I carried more than a child
I carried timing that never made sense
a body already tired
a heart already stretched thin
five little voices calling “mom”
while one quiet heartbeat whispered
what about me?
I carried guilt in my bloodstream
it pulsed louder than fear
louder than logic
louder than the voices that said
“you don’t have a choice”
even when choices were all I had
I carried love
and that’s what made it unbearable
Because love doesn’t disappear
just because a life does
I walked into that room
with legs that felt like betrayal
like they knew something
I was still trying to deny
The lights were too bright
the silence too loud
and somehow
my body stayed still
while everything inside me
screamed
Afterwards…
the world didn’t stop
That’s the part no one prepares you for
The same bills were due
the same kids needed dinner
the same life expected me
to keep moving
like I didn’t just leave a piece of myself
behind
I smiled when I had to
laughed when it was expected
but grief sat in my chest
quiet
heavy
uninvited
and permanent
Some days I wonder
who you would’ve been
what laugh you would’ve had
if you would’ve looked like me
or carried his eyes
And some days
I just try to breathe
without breaking
But here’s the truth
no one tells women like me:
I survived something
that doesn’t leave visible scars
I made a decision
that split me in two
and I’m still learning
how to live as both versions
of myself
The one who chose
and the one who mourns
And somehow…
I am still here
Still waking up
Still loving my daughters
Still showing up
Still becoming
Not healed
Not whole
but still standing
And right now
that has to be enough
Ashley Monae 