Sometimes I really sit and wonder…
do you love me
or do you love how I love you?
Because those are two different things.
Do you love the woman in front of you,
or the fact I keep showing up
even after disappointment?
Even after crying in bathrooms,
even after feeling unwanted,
unseen,
too emotional,
too much,
not enough all in the same week.
I keep asking myself
am I making it easy to love me…
or am I making it easy to play in my face?
Because every time I stay quiet to keep peace,
every time I accept the bare minimum just to keep you close,
every time I fold because I’m scared of losing you…
what am I teaching you?
Am I showing you how to love me?
Or showing you exactly what you can get away with?
And that’s the part eating me alive.
Because I don’t love halfway.
I don’t know how to.
When I love somebody,
I start including them in my future without even trying.
I think about them while handling my kids.
While driving.
While at school.
While exhausted.
While trying to survive.
I make space for them in a life
that already barely has room for me.
And maybe that’s why this hurts so bad.
Because somewhere along the line,
I started shrinking myself
just to keep a version of you
that only shows up when it’s convenient.
And the crazy part is…
I still look at you with softness.
Still crave you.
Still want it to be you.
But I’m tired.
Tired of wondering if I’m deeply loved
or just deeply convenient.
Tired of feeling like I have to emotionally bleed
just to prove I’m worth choosing correctly.
And I think the saddest part of all of this is…
I can feel myself becoming quieter.
Not because I have less love to give,
but because I’m starting to realize
love should never cost me this much of myself.
Ashley Monae 